In ten years time Rosehill will be like Notting Hill you mark my words. link
The Vapours
Newcastle
¡Vive la Council!
The Revolution hits another stumbling block
Four members of revolutionary communist group the Revolutionary Communist Group face fines of £450 each after magistrates in Newcastle convicted them of collecting money in public without a permit. The group were nabbed on the technicality that shouting at shoppers—enmiserabled victims of capitalist oppression—through a loudhaler from behind a wallpaper pasting table does not constitute having an open-air meeting, at which a collection would be lawful. The judgement is being seen as a second victory by the local Council in their campaign to rid the city of communists, following the recent banishing of a bongo player.
Revolutionary Tom Vickers (suspected facebook page here—admittedly based mainly on the friends list, which contains some people who use Che Guevara as their profile picture) has labelled the judgement “a fundamental attack on democracy”. He also stated his intent to defy the ruling, saying “without accepting donations from just members of the public, then there’s no money to produce banners”.
The Revolutionary Communist Group actively supports the regime in Cuba, known for locking up pro-democracy campaigners. As good marxists they almost certainly don’t believe in money, so please send solidarity donations straight to The Vapours, where money is held in great esteem, and spent on much better things than banners, Freedom Lager and headlice treatments.
Ratatat at the End Bar, 28/07/08
Photo: A. Gilhespy
Morpeth Jerky tour is WiFi hotspot!
Finally, the taste of roadside Texas comes to the UK courtesy of Mr. BBQ. This is not to be confused with the usual Texan staple of roasted gopher and medallions of wildcat, but premium British beef jerky prepared in Morpeth, Northumberland. (NB: not available as pants with added beef-taste) Here’s what’s on offer:
Award winning Peppered Beef Jerky, Cajun Hot Beef Jerky, Barbecue Beef Jerky, Lemon Peppered Beef Jerky, Teriyaki Beef Jerky and Garlic Biltong.
“Over the years I’ve tried all sorts of beef jerky from all different sources but found most of them too sweet. Sweetness and beef are not a good combination on my tongue. I recently found your site and bought a bulk pack of your Original Beef Jerky and what a revelation: Snap a bit off, slowly chew and soak in mouth, and out comes that true, unadulterated, pure beef taste. BEEF, BEEF, and nothing but the BEEF! I’ll be back…” Testimonial By: William Joicey, UK
Source: Mr. BBQ Ltd.
Bouncer badly botches mercy-kill
Newcastle’s Central Station became the scene of a bloodbath last night as a man tried (several times) to kill a pigeon with his bare hands. Apparently the man, who works as security at the popular Centurion bar, had witnessed the bird being attacked by a group of frenzied gulls and left for dead by the side of the road. Taking matters into his own hands, he tried to put an end to its suffering but, unfortunately for the pigeon, could not deliver an effective death-blow. Commuters, revellers and passers-by watched in horror at the ham-fisted doorman’s desperate attempts to wring the bird’s neck, all of which were to no avail. As a last resort the clearly distressed man simply stamped the pigeon to death.
Further reading:
Blechman, Andrew D. “Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the World’s Most Revered and Reviled Bird” 2007 Grove Press.
Bothington, Jonah P. “Avian Euthanasia” 1969 Pointillist Press.
Thew, Tamarind “Rasputin With A Beak” 1975 Babbling Brook.
Archbishop charity skydive ends in disaster
Photo: A. Gilhespy (click for larger view)
Local music celebrity roundup
Singer songwriter Beth Jeans Houghton, touted as Newcastle’s answer to Amy Winehouse because of her wild behaviour, was injured when she was hit by a falling pair of shoes that became dislodged from the Heaton Park shoe tree as she attempted to add a pair of her own. Be wary of playing football with Maximo Park’s Paul Smith, as he is reputed to be a goal muncher. On the plus side he is a willing lender of DVDs. Red Monkey/Chronicity member and Slampt! co-founder Pete Dale lists ‘moisturising’ in the hobbies and interests section of his CV. The talents of Sunderland brothers Peter and David Brewis appear to end at basic electrical fault-finding, as they have been listening to their ELP tape through only one speaker for weeks now.
An Extract For Alasdair
During my first month working for the Newcastle Library and Archive Service, I was assigned the task of counting all works of modern fiction that had not been borrowed in 25 years. Approximately 10,000 unpopular books that had been relegated from the open library shelves to a pitch dark warehouse the size of an aircraft hangar.
One of the titles was a collection of original writing and review work by a man named Alasdair Paterson. A flimsy 28-page pamphlet printed in Newcastle, possibly by Alasdair Paterson. Badly misfiled. Not borrowed once in 25 years.
from At The Institute: A Cigarette Card Collection
“3. A Film Critic
As the soundtrack began I found myself remembering an occasion, quite long ago, when I sat in a darkened cinema, waiting for the start of a film I particularly wanted to see. To my annoyance, a man who was obviously and noisily drunk sat down a few rows away, just as the screening began. ‘Shot of the waves!’ he shouted. We protested, he was told to keep quiet, but the opening shot of the film did show waves breaking against a deserted beach.
‘She’s riding in a carriage!’ he cried. And indeed, the heroine appeared immediately, being carried along the coast road in a horse drawn carriage.
‘Her father has an underwater paradise!’. And then a merciful silence, which indicated that he had passed out.
All during the film, though, we felt the pulse and promise of that underwater paradise, while the action took its mysterious course; beyond the banal crypts and halls of the decayed palace through which the heroine moved, we heard the sound of distant waves. This sense of expectation transformed the film; only at the end, when everything ended in flames and falling beams, did we realise that there had been a mistake, that the man’s fuddled mind had mixed up two stories. As the cinema lights went on, many accusing looks were cast in his direction, although I remember thinking that it might be profitable to consider using such an approach elsewhere- proceeding in false expectation through a novel, possibly through life itself, and watching for the transformations.
But whatever we felt, the man slept on, impervious, dreaming no doubt of the red and silver of sea gardens, where no accomplishment is superfluous. The sea has more voices than the shells record.”
Alasdair Paterson, 1982
Tractor Production up 300%
It appears not everyone was quite as overjoyed with the arrival of Cuban socialist activists in Newcastle as the ‘revolutionary communist party’ (who apparently organised their jaunt to the Star and Shadow Cinema) would have liked:
(click on photos to expand)
Photos: A.Gilhespy
